Oct 15, 2016

Vampire trivia --- This is heaven --- Teaser (14)

The vampire kids that we met earlier show up again. Main characters here are John (narrator), Alex (Main object of desire), Maurice (the third musketeer), and Taylor, a vampire kid & nerd & homophobic to boot. Maurice has been charged thinking up questions for today's criterion of the Festival, which is about vampire trivia. Let's see where this leads us.

The cell-phone rang.

It’s Maurice. He’s stuck. Writer’s block. He can’t think of anything decent, trivia-wise. Nothing with a snap-your-finger feel. “Does it matter?” I ask.

“Certainly,” he says, “that’s why we are in the business of writing, isn’t it, to feel inspired, and by feeling inspired becoming more inspired.”
“You sound like an expensive graduate course of something,” I say.

He falls silent.

“I’m sorry,” I say, “I apologize. I went too far.”
“Indeed,” he says.
“The trivia,” I say. “Think of it as a commission. Quick and dirty. Deadline approaching, copy editor leering over your shoulder.”
“Well, nobody is leering over my shoulder.”
“Ben still asleep?”
“Hold the line,” I say.

Robert Pattinson in Twilight

‘Hold the line,’ I said, because Juliette’s friends are upon us, the children of vampire trivia. “We missed you yesterday,” Alex has said to them in the meantime.

Well, they have been busy finding accommodation and stuff, somebody had sent them on a wild goose chase for a motel without GPS and they got lost behind the Okefenokee Swamp. They’ve rented tents now on a camping ground nearby.

Juliette, have we seen her? No, we haven’t, we have no idea that Juliette is losing her virginity as we speak, possibly in a real-beautiful way to a really beautiful kid who calls himself Romeo, can you believe this, this happens only in soap operas written by the washed-up screenwriter, but it does happen, against all odds, statisticians the world over rejoice. We have no idea.


We have no idea that Juliette is losing her virginity as we speak, possibly in a real-beautiful way to a really beautiful kid who calls himself Romeo.

“Today,” I say a bit out of turn, “today is your day.”
“Trivial pursuit, vampire trivia.” I wave my copy of the program to cover the act of slipping an active, connected cell phone into a pocket of my shorts. “You’re into this, aren’t you?”

No, they are not. They are serious.
“So you’ve made up your mind?” Alex asks.
“Last time I asked you didn’t know whether you were serious or not.”
Some laugh. They are lightly dressed today, tops, shorts, espadrilles or flip flops, nothing left of the undead paraphernalia of yesterday. Taylor’s fang dentures have disappeared (the glasses have not). He’d need only a bow-tie to complete the picture of the aspiring nerd---although, if he’d wear a bow-tie now, he’d rather look like somebody auditioning for the junior edition of the Magic-Mike-Show.

“Give us some ideas,” Alex says to Taylor, “we need to spruce up this market stand. We’re still stuck with Christopher Lee. The latest trends, vampire-wise.”

Taylor looks like somebody who knows the answers. And like all nerds he looks, yes---I’m sure he’s homophobic due to shamefaced thoughts about sex with guys as a substitute for sex with Zoey and Kaylee and all the other gals unwilling to hook up with boys that don’t get it---yes, he positively looks like somebody in need of a urgent lay. Anyhow, Taylor answers: “Well, you know about the Meyer paradigm shift.”

“I know about the Kuhn paradigm shift.” Alex says.
“Yes, Thomas Kuhn invented the expression, the term paradigm shift.”
“You’re vending the uncoolest Hammer merchandise and don’t even know about Meyer,” Taylor replies.
Alex shakes his head.
“You haven’t read Twilight, right---I remember. Stephenie Meyer is the author behind the franchise.”
“Stephenie Meyer,” we echo as if we are really concerned. “And the paradigm shift?”
“The shift to daylight saving time. We’re no longer confined to coffins during office hours. We live normal lives now, just have to watch our ass because of the skin. How it sparkles in the sunlight.”
“Yes, I know,” Alex says. “Juliette showed us yesterday.”

Romeo and Juliet(te)

“I’ll show you,” Taylor insists unrepentant, raising his chin and turning his cheek. He’s quite good at this, pretending that his over-nighted face radiates crystal glitter---he has possibly practiced this as a come-on in case Zoey or Kaylee ever look at him again. And he’s practicing it now, there’s some second-guessing there as he peeks at us through his lenses. He’s urgent, Taylor is urgent, folks. Possibly didn’t get off last night. Perhaps several days. Yes, right, adolescence is fraught with spontaneous erections. He has noticed my wayward glance.


Taylor is urgent, folks. He did, he did notice my wayward glance.

He did, yes, he did notice. Fuck you, I think, fuck you. My erec-tion from Elsa’s Ben-sex is still in place.

“A call of nature,” he says unexpectedly. “I need to go to the bathroom, would you know…”
Yes, we do, we do know, the heat is getting me. “I’ll show you,” I say, “it’s a bit difficult to explain.”


You recall the multi-purpose shed behind the stage where the non-meetings of the jury are held. That’s where we’re heading…


Yes, folks, this it how it ends, this teaser, apologies... 

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