Our short story La Coniche d'Or is out now, on the pages of Temptation Magazine (yes, click), about the visit of friends from Sydney (true-true story)

Mar 20, 2013

So you think you’re trapped in a poorly-written fan fiction: A modern teen’s guide (reblogged)

Lokfire has this cool post on her website Hollywood Hates Me we've been allowed to reblog:


Lately, you've noticed your life is filled with grammatical errors, punctuation mistakes, poor spelling and way more deviant fetishes than you're used to. Does that mean you're trapped in a poorly-written fan fiction? Almost certainly! But to find out for sure, please use this handy guide as a reference.

1. Do you often get the feeling you're a Mary-Sue type stand-in for someone else? Like, maybe you're just an average girl with the character trait of "clumsiness" so people won't think you're perfect, but all the hot boys in town love you.

"You killed my father, prepare to die?"
 "You killed my father, prepare to die?"

2.When people around you talk, do they often resort to overblown romantic cliches? Perhaps they say things like "You are my life now" or "I can't live in a world where you don't exist."


Trick question! This just means you're hanging out with a sparkly vampire.
Trick question! This just means you're hanging out with a sparkly vampire.

3. Are you having lots of kinky sex? Like, with dinosaurs and stuff?


This dinosaur thinks you probably shouldn't click that link.
This dinosaur thinks you probably shouldn't click that link.

4. Alternately, are you having, like, no sex, because it's important to wait?  But it's OK, because then he can watch you while you sleep and stuff, which is really romantic and not stalker-y at all.  

Hey, it's cool if he's a vampire.
Hey, it's cool if he's a vampire.

5. Do you notice a distinct lack of punctuation when you talk, think or otherwise anything? I guess you could be in one of those "stream-of-consciousness" novels, but those are usually written by writers that can spell.

Good spelling aside, I really didn't enjoy this book.
Good spelling aside, I really didn't enjoy this book.

6. On a related note, how is the spelling in your life? Sure, in everyday life, you're bound to come across the bad speller here and there, but is, like, everything spelled wrong? Like, you can't even seem to spell your own name the same way twice in one paragraph? And it's not even a long paragraph, but a pretty short one?

7. But ignoring all the spelling and punctuation errors in fan fiction that drive me nuts, have you noticed another staple of a bad fanfic? That is, random characters showing up that have nothing to do with your life? Like, say, you live in Twin Peaks, and all of a sudden Bilbo Baggins shows up. With a velociraptor.


"For god's sake, don't click this link either!"
  "For god's sake, don't click this link either!"  

8. Or do people who would never ever have sex with each other start having sex with each other? Because that happens a lot in fan fiction, which is why slash fiction exists.

9. Perhaps you've noticed people wearing tee-shirts extolling the virtues of the poorly-written fan fiction you're trapped in. Don't they realize you're suffering?


When Twilight fan fiction is best-selling novels, we all suffer.
When Twilight fan fiction is best-selling novels, we all suffer.
 
10. Seriously, though, do you have a hard time telling if you're trapped in a poorly-written fan fiction or if you're just a character in Twilight? Eh, let's split the difference. You're probably trapped in 50 Shades of Grey.


Dear God, if you are a loving God, when they make this movie (and they WILL make this movie), please don't let them cast any actors I like. Amen.
Dear God, if you are a loving God, when they make this movie (and they WILL make this movie), please don't let them cast any actors I like. Amen.

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