You don't want to know where we found this...

...on the website of the Cleveland Tea Party Patriots. This is the post for 2011. Let's see tomorrow whether there will be wishes for 2012 as well.

Update: so we checked this morning (Jan 1, 1012) and there are no 2012 wishes. None whatsoever. Is the New Year in decline?

I hate Obama. I can't stand the guy!

-"Perry, where are you when we need you?"

(Hat tip: Andrew Sullivan)

Freedom Fries feuilleton (101)

Previously: George W. Bush worries about his legacy. Samuel Fisher, the media tycoon, worries about LYNX, his TV network. Pamela N. Timbers, dean of Berkeley law school and a former colleague of Barack Obama at Chicago law school, worries about John Yoo, the author of the torture memos. Also involved is George Lukacs, the famous hedge fund personality, another old friend of Pamela. There are rumors that Bush could be abducted to Spain to face trial for crimes against humanity. In Yoo's case, it's more than a rumor --- he's being kidnapped as we speak.

Liz tries to remove the watch from Yoo’s wrist. Yoo resists, he is coming to his senses. He knows. They know. A kerfuffle. The forces of darkness lose, and Liz hands the watch to Chang Man. Yoo is still standing there, still stark naked, the genitals still swinging a bit. Inchiavabile. A thought. Another swipe with the GPS signal detector along the socks, reaching down to the shoes. Another gotcha squeak from the detector. A second locator must be hidden in his shoes. Another kerfuffle? Liz has a better idea. Give me the shackles, she orders Chang, and snaps them around Yoo’s ankles, left and right. Yoo tries to resists, and stumbles in the process, lying on the ground now. A second pair of shackles neutralizes his arms. His shoes gleam in the dark. They are not radioactive, but much too large for Chang Man’s tiny feet. We’ll need new footwear for Yoo, she thinks, gets hold of a knife, and attacks the suspicious shoe. “Have you ever tried to undo a patent leather shoe with a knife?” Leona asks helpfully. Liz needs to be careful, the locator must survive intact, as Yoo must survive intact himself. The locator turns out to be a tiny metal marble, hidden in the sole.

Plan A minus. Chang Man Yoon won’t wear Yoo’s clothes, but it doesn’t really matter. He wraps Yoo’s double-duty Omega watch around his wrist, grabs his own travel bag, and takes charge of the Lexus. Somebody activates the shutters, they crack open. Yoon backs up, turns the Lexus around in the narrow alley (no scratches, no scratches), and disappears in the direction of Oxford Street.

***

He’s pushing the pedal to the metal. Being late is the primary angst of all Koreans, and today’s angst is more justified than usual by the latest threats from the Transport Security Administration, issued yesterday after the involuntary demise of yet another Al Quaida operative in downtown Pakistan. The security screening will be harrowing, lines stretching into eternity. Or infinity. What’s the difference, Chang wonders.

San Francisco International Airport

Distracted, he almost misses the interstate exit, but the Lexus GPS won’t let him, so he turns right at the last moment and follows the left turn of the overpass across the freeway toward the three arches of San Francisco International airport. 

Stay tuned for the next installment on Friday, or read the entire story published so far here.

The Greek have now...

...yes...

...let's hope the computers won't go on strike...

Fundamentalism in trouble (Dirk)

And while we are at it, lets reminisce: We are driving across the US, as usual, have spent the previous night in a hotel in Wyoming where the Gideon Bible is an accessory to every night table, have read the Genesis chapter, have crossed into the God-fearing state of South Dakota, and are driving past a evangelical billboard saying: "Noah planned ahead.." (the import being that you should plan ahead, too, etc). Well, no, Noah did not plan ahead. He was ordered by God to build the arc.

One of the tricks of today's American fundamentalists is their illiteracy; they have, in fact, not read the Bible.

Give it to him, Mitt, give it to him

We've started posting about Newt Gingrich long before he became a candidate, about the dog he strapped to the top of his car when the family went on vacation to Canada --- halt, stop, that was Mitt Romney --- about the end of his first marriage, anyhow, when he had the divorce papers served to his first wife who was in hospital with cancer, and about the end of his second marriage, when he was presiding over the failed impeachment of Bill Clinton on adultery grounds while having an affair with a staffer, now his third wife, who is an alien --- and when we say alien, we mean it, not just a little Mexican mouse, or somebody from Kenya, no, some seriously extra-terrestrial person with light years under her belt. We spent attention to his theocratic fantasies of late, and developed a little theory well-received at the University of Metaphysical Sciences, involving the Archangel Gabriel, the cave, and other paraphernalia from a previous, and regrettably successful attempt to start a monotheistic religion.

Now he is a candidate. And he lives in Virginia, a large state, population- and delegate-wise. And he fails to register for the primaries there because he's disorganized, erratic, and generally unqualified to assume the US presidency. And he's grandiose in his own masturbatory ways. So he compares his failure to register in Virginia with the échec of Pearl Harbor. Let's ask Mitt Romney about this.

“I think he compared it to Pearl Harbor. I think it’s more like Lucille Ball and the chocolate factory,” Romney replied on MSNBC. Please watch:



And while we are at it: Taking a page out of the Book of Mormon, the new leader of North Korea (Kim Jong-un, was that the name?) has strapped the coffin of his father to the top of his car for the funeral procession across the icy plains of Pyongyang, the capital, where it's possibly just as cold as in Canada. Imitation is the highest form of flattery, they say.

And now for our final, and definitive Christmas post (Jacki)

(We performed it on Christmas eve 1985 during our visiting stint at the Rockefeller College, SUNY, Albany, to rave reviews from a disoriented faculty)

Yesterday, Dec 25, or: Stimulating the economy

Carole, Pete, Max, Chang, Fredrik, David, Yvonne, Bill, Marianne, Jenni, Kiki

We're doing it since a couple of years, celebrating another record in the number of Christmas card received, follicles lost, kilos gained, alcohol consumed, etc.

Logistics is important, since each friend is supposed to contribute a plate with food. Jenni prepared her famous roast. Max prepared a foie gras. It's easy, he says. I ask Annie, his wife, for the recipe.

Jenni's roast

Max's foie gras

Oh, it's difficult, she says. Well, the essentials involve (1) getting hold of a duck liver, (2) getting rid of the central vein in the liver (unpleasant), (3) getting rid of the fat around the liver, (4) marinating the liver in Sauternes.

Software project always take three times longer than budgeted, buffets always provide three times more food that necessary, whatever you do.

Buffet, served on the terrace outside (it's still very warm)

The boys line up in alphabetic order according to follicle count.

Fredrik, Michael, David, Pete McK. (him of the giant wave)

Not everybody is bald, that's why some male participants (Bill, Chang, Max) are missing.

The girls are having a good hair day, life's unfair.

Marianne, Jenni, Kiki

German for beginners (Dirk)

-"You know what, Germans actually don't know that other nations think they have no sense of humor."
-"Impossible."

We wish you a happy X-mas

When we entered la bonne bourgeoisie in 2003 by buying our house here on the coast, we learned a lot about the world, including the world of X-mas cards. Such cards are sent across social networks to maintain ties by exploiting the pivotal holiday occasion, and then exhibited proudly near the entrance of one's dwelling for all visitors to see. Obviously, one's social status is related to the quantity of cards on display, as well as their quality (cards can cost up to 20£$€, and look the part).  But quantity --- as the philosopher would say --- converts ("schlägt um") to ("in") quality, and it's not necessarily the other way round, in particular since visitors are not supposed to inspect cards too closely (privacy). Am I making this sound very French?

Sheraton sécretaire in the hall

The first year, we received ca. 10 cards. Since we were new to the game, we didn't write any. That didn't keep the cards from coming. Their numbers grew, and we wrote back. Our best year was 2007, when we were able to over-decorate the pretty sécretaire in the hall (a Sheraton replica) with more than 25 cards, although it was already clear that we would never make the cut of the better society here on the hill. @ some neighbo(u)rs the cards would overload the table in the hall (we are the only ones with a Sheraton replica, but it doesn't matter, nobody else here has ever heard of the guy, and I wouldn't raise the issue if not Alan Hollinghurst had mentioned the Regency éboniste in his first and absolutely oversexed gay novel The Swimmingpool Library), enfin, @ our neighbo(u)rs the cards would overload the table in the hall --- and additional auxiliary furniture --- summing up to a total of 200, or 300 X-mas greetings.

To repeat, it was clear that we would never reach the exalted station of 300 cards, but we were entering the year 2008, and candidate Obama was winning the presidential elections with, yes, what was it, something about HOPE. The card numbers were growing, and the trend is your friend, as they say on Wall Street.

Come Christmas 2008. I am not going to elaborate about my peeking out of the door in merry expectation of the card-carrying postwoman ("facteur"), as lesser bloggers would. Bref, there were fewer cards. We blamed it on Wall Street and the crisis. But 2009 wasn't better. And 2010, when the crisis had abated, the card number had shrunken to 2003 values, around 10.

Doris (picture taken by her husband, Dirk (yes, the Dirk) ca. 1968)

A trend is a trend unless reversed, as they say on Wall Street. Today, one day before Christmas, we may expect the X-mas card business to have plateaued. Cards are sent early, it's too late for more. Time for the final count. How are we doing this year? We received 2  ("two") cards, both from the same person (Doris, also a neighbor, and she does not have a computer).

How is this going to end? Will we drop out of the world? Will the numbers turn negative next year? "Why can't we live together in peace?" (Jack Nicholson, as American president, in Mars Attacks).

It's the internet, stupid, I hear Bill Clinton say, who has possibly received 100,000 cards.

Holy cow!

Yesterday night, the sky above Germany

Find a caption

Freedom Fries feuilleton (100)

Previously: George W. Bush worries about his legacy. Samuel Fisher, the media tycoon, worries about LYNX, his TV network. Pamela N. Timbers, dean of Berkeley law school and a former colleague of Barack Obama at Chicago law school, worries about John Yoo, the author of the torture memos. Also involved is George Lukacs, the famous hedge fund personality, another old friend of Pamela. There are rumors that Bush could be abducted to Spain to face trial for crimes against humanity. In Yoo's case, it's more than a roumor --- he's being kidnapped as we speak.

The garage shutters crack morosely. Chang Man Yoon, who’s operating them, has been told to hide in the corner, Yoo should not see him, obviously. The Lexus turns wistfully into the dimly-lit shop, the brownish Ford in tow. Liz, still holding the gun to Yoo’s neck, has reached into the shopping bag and handed a bluish leather thing to Zack. “Stop,” she commands, as if Yoo could drive this any further. Where is Jim? Anyhow, now or never. Zack, with a single gesture, straps the leather thing over Yoo’s head. It’s a sensory deprivation hood, used for psycho-therapy or kinky sex. If he could only see himself, Leona thinks one of her dirty thoughts, but Yoo cannot see himself; instead, he’s overcome by a sensation of complete confinement. Jim appears with his stroller in the opening, belatedly. Chang has the shutter rolling down, cracking. “Get out,” barks Liz in her new voice, but Yoo cannot hear her under his kinky hood. It takes Liz a little while to realize this, they have failed to anticipate the hood’s effect. Stupid. Is this still plan A? She sticks the fake gun into Yoo’s side. Yoo reacts, gets up, hits the car frame with his hooded head. Well, the hood is well-padded.

Omega watch	John Yoo
Mickey Mouse watch	Deprivation hood (kinky)

They are on a tight schedule, Liz knows. Removing the hood, so Yoo can regain the initiative? “Hold him tight,” she orders Zack, falls on her knees, and unbuttons Yoo’s trousers. A hasty blow job to keep Yoo confused? No, they need Yoo’s clothes to perfect Chang Man’s disguise. Meanwhile, Jim tears Yoo’s jacket off his shoulders, the tie, the shirt. Yoo’s standing there now, stark naked, the head covered by the lewd hood in bluish-gleaming leather, the belly protruding, the genitals dangling, the brogues still on his socked feet. He wears long socks. As many hard-working professors, Yoo is a bit fatter than anticipated, Chang will look ridiculous in Yoo’s clothes. Plan A minus. Chang leaves his corner, and hands another device to Liz, a longish metallic stave, not unlike a portable metal detector. A swipe of Yoo’s clothes. Nothing. A swipe of Yoo’s body. The metal detector squeaks gotcha. Yoo’s watch is the culprit. Yes, it hides a GPS marker; the geographical coordinates of downtown Berkeley appear on the detector’s display. That’s easy. Fortunately, it’s not a Mickey Mouse watch, preferred by so many disgruntled Berkeley professors, but a decent Omega model with a bland face, possibly selected for Yoo by the Secret Service. James Bond could wear it on a bad day. Liz tries to remove the watch from Yoo’s wrist. Yoo resists, he is coming to his senses. He knows. They know. A kerfuffle.

Stay tuned for the next installment on Friday, or read the entire story published so far here.

Eine kleine Büromusik (Dirk)

Ordinateur (French for beginners) (Vincent)

The "urban word" of today, Computer, is defined as a "machine for downloading porn."

And, by sheer coincidence, Vincent sends this:

Une enseignante francophone expliquait à sa classe que dans la langue française, les noms, contrairement à l'anglais, sont désignés au masculin et au féminin. Par exemple : maison est féminin.. une maison ; crayon par contre, est masculin...un crayon.

Un élève demanda à l'enseignante de quel genre est donc le nom ordinateur [computer].

Au lieu de donner la réponse, l'enseignante a séparé la classe en deux groupes, garçons et filles, leur demandant de décider d'eux-mêmes si ordinateur est masculin ou féminin. Elle a demandé à chaque groupe de donner quatre bonnes raisons pour appuyer sa recommandation.

Les garçons ont décidé à l'unanimité que "ordinateur" est effectivement du genre féminin (une ordinateur) parce que:

1. Personne d'autre que son créateur ne comprend sa logique intérieure;
2. Le langage de base que les ordinateurs utilisent avec d'autres ordinateurs est incompréhensible pour quiconque;
3. Même la plus petite erreur est conservée en mémoire à long terme pour être ramenée à la surface plus tard;
4. Aussitôt que vous utilisez régulièrement une ordinateur, vous vous exposez à dépenser la moitié de votre chèque de paie pour acheter des accessoires pour elle.

Le groupe de filles, toutefois, a conclu que l'ordinateur est de genre masculin parce que:

1. Afin d'accomplir quoi que ce soit avec lui, tu dois l'allumer;
2. Il est bourré de matériel de base, mais ne peut penser par lui même;
3. Il est censé régler beaucoup de problèmes, mais la moitié du temps, c'est lui le problème;
4. Aussitôt que tu en utilises un régulièrement, tu te rends compte que si tu avais attendu un peu, tu aurais obtenu un meilleur modèle.

Les filles ont gagné !

The view from Chang's bed this morning

A Christmas Carol (Jacki)

A married couple has been out Christmas shopping at the mall most of the afternoon, when she suddenly realizes that her husband has “disappeared.”

Disoriented, she calls her husband’s cell and asks “where the hell are you ?”
“Darling, remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it; and remember that I didn’t have the money at the time and said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day.”

Somewhat embarrassed and with a blushing smile, she replies “Yes. I remember that my love.”
“Well, I’m in the bar next to that store.”

Ditto (Siggi, Dirk)

Dirk sends this...



...and writes: "This has been around for a while but still. As the story goes, the guy that owns this house lives north of Cincinnati, Ohio .. Police were constantly being called for traffic jams and accidents in the neighborhood so they asked him to shut it down during certain hours. Instead he started charging by car load to pay off duty police to be there."

And while we are at it:

Freedom Fries feuilleton (99)

Previously: George W. Bush worries about his legacy. Samuel Fisher, the media tycoon, worries about LYNX, his TV network. Pamela N. Timbers, dean of Berkeley law school and a former colleague of Barack Obama at Chicago law school, worries about John Yoo, the author of the torture memos. Also involved is George Lukacs, the famous hedge fund personality, another old friend of Pamela. There are rumors that Bush could be abducted to Spain to face trial for crimes against humanity. In Yoo's case, it's more than a roumor --- he's being kidnapped as we speak.

A horn blows from behind. Yoo turns around. It’s the brownish Ford that has been following him for unclear reasons all the way from the campus with a campy woman behind the wheel. Another horn blow. The woman waves her hand. The baby man grabs the handle of his carriage and disappears with the baby. A second horn chiming in from further behind. Little Italy. The shopping crowd starts to pay attention. Something is not right, he can smell it. Let’s get away from this. He gets back into the car. More smells, as he nestles into the driver’s seat, he has a sensitive nose. He closes the door. Something cold and metallic is touching his neck.

***

John Yoo follows orders. For the time being. Until he starts thinking again. They won’t have much time. There’s a side alley just 50 feet from the scene of the crime, barely 15 seconds into their outlaw career, and it features a defunct car-repair shop, which they’ve rented under false pretenses. “Turn here,” Liz says in a new alto voice that she hasn’t practiced long enough. Yoo turns.

***

The garage shutters crack morosely. Chang Man Yoon, who’s operating them, has been told to hide in the corner, Yoo should not see him, obviously. The Lexus turns wistfully into the dimly-lit shop, the brownish Ford in tow.

Stay tuned for the next installment on Friday, or read the entire story published so far here.

Euromess: Greek's public services

We grabbed this picture from Kathimerini, the Greek broadsheet, where it illustrates a story on Greek's public services.

Whats wrong here? Well, we see two printers for two computer, where one printer would have been enough (easily providing capacity enough for 10 or 20 other computers). And if we dig a bit deeper, we see the two ladies both being on the phone, one completing a form by hand (which would, if the computers serve any purpose, have to be inputted (apologies) to the computer by hand). Why are they not communicating by email, or other network channels?

In anticipation

Perry sends this picture...

...and writes: Carrying the Christmas tree home. We are dressed in orange because it is hunting season (and you do not wish to be shot). This is on a road that I built with my excavator.

Hunting season start (Dirk)

Let's call it a Christmas (Jacki)

FF received some fairly hectic chain mail about the importance of calling a Christmas tree a Christmas tree. In this spirit...

$0,000 $$$

How many Thai does it take to change a light bulb? (Dirk)

Russia on the horizon

OK, we don't know whether this is Sarah Palin's porch, but it is a porch in Wasilla, Alaska. (Hat tip: Andrew Sullivan)

Find a caption

(This Fort GT was wrecked by its owner on its maiden trip)

Eromess, making up (2) (Glenn)

In another attempt to placate the Brits after the disastrous Euro split on Thursday, the European Commission is considering a formal prohibition of the German humour. Here is an excerpt from a secret emergency hearing held on the subject in Brussels on Friday:

Chairman: Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher, you are the two funniest guys ever to come out of Germany. Where do you get your jokes?
Kallenbrecher: On the internet.

Chairman: Pardon? You mean you steal them from other people?
Kunz: No, no. What Herr Kallenbrecher means is that we are serious joke collectors. This is an important difference. Most people who collect jokes are amateurs. Only we have the resources to deliver the correct jokes with the right punchlines.

Chairman: Let's face facts. Nobody outside Germany thinks that the Germans are funny. You will have to work extra hard to break through these prejudices.
Kunz: I think that this is all a big misunderstanding. Other European countries often do not realize that we Germans know more jokes than they. In fact, the Germans have more humour than the rest of Europe put together!

Chairman: Come on, it’s not all laughter and merriment in Germany. Do people laugh in public? No ! Do you do have stand-up comedy acts in your pubs? Definitely not!
Kallenbrecher: Well, historically Germany has had some of the most famous stand-up comedians ever.
Kunz: Sure, in Britain everybody jokes all the time, but that just means they are a nation of humour amateurs. In Germany, we understand that humour is about telling jokes properly and efficiently.

Chairman : Efficiently? How on earth do you measure the 'efficiency of humour'?
Kallenbrecher: In Germany, we measure it in punchlines per minute. In Britain, they measure it in punchlines per fortnight. (laughs loudly)
Kunz: (also laughing) See, for example, if we Germans make a joke, we already start laughing in the middle of the sentence. This saves valuable time, which we can then use for explaining the joke. For example, in this case …

Chairman: … Thank you, that won’t be necessary. In your forthcoming book "Humour Engineering", you give your readers insight into how you go about constructing a joke. We all know that the book spans 4 massive volumes, but do you think you could give us a brief summary?
Kallenbrecher: Certainly. The first thing you need is a very good story. All too often, people make jokes in which the story does not really work. In other words you have to get the story right. We call this technology "Story Leveraging", and if you look at this little chart here …

Chairman: Please, just tell us what makes a good story.
Kallenbrecher: Now, that is very complicated. I don’t think I can describe that in few words.

Chairman: Just try.
Kallenbrecher: Well, often the biggest mistakes are made during the initial joke planning session. You must make sure to include a lot of familiar everyday items, such as a woman. Or a car.
Kunz: Don’t mention the car. Ha ha ha ha !

Chairman: I suppose there must be millions of car jokes in Germany.
Kallenbrecher: (after a moment of silence) We use French cars in our jokes.

Chairman: Why?
Kallenbrecher: (Impatient) Because they are so funny.

Chairman: Right. Okay. Let's change topic. I understand that you recently went on a fact-finding trip to the British Isles for your German Joke of the Day radio show.
Kunz: Yes, we had heard so much about British humour that we wanted to find out more about it. But we were very disappointed.

Chairman: That's odd. British humour enjoys an international reputation. Just think of Monty Python, Mr. Bean and Austin Powers !
Kunz: Who?
Kallenbrecher: We have not heard of these things.

Chairman: (Sighs) So where did you actually go in Britain.
Kallenbrecher: Cambridge.

Chairman: Cambridge.
Kallenbrecher. Yes. I personally checked out a major library there, and no, I was not impressed.
Kunz: Then we went to Neasden, Clapham, Middlesborough and the Worker’s Café in Harlesdon.

Chairman: It's hardly surprising that you didn't find anything funny.
Kunz: No, no, don’t get us wrong. Britain has plenty of potential. We found many very funny things, such as trains.
Kallenbrecher: The British just don’t understand how to construct a really good joke - yet. British humour is there, but it is at a low level of development.
Kunz: And hey, that’s fine ! We do not mean it as criticism, we just want to help. The British learned so much from us about football, why not about humour too?

Chairman: Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher, thank you for your testimony and good luck with your show. You may just find that not everybody welcomes you with open arms.
Kunz: Well, in that case, I hope they know what they are doing.
Kallenbrecher: Remember: We have ways to make you laugh !

Euromess, making up (Glenn)

To placate British feelings after the Cameron letdown on Thursday, the European Commission put forward plans to make English the official language of the EU.

To show goodwill, the British government immediately conceded that the English spelling has some room for improvement and has suggested a 5 year transition phase to a new written language that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

Find a caption

Karl Lagerfeld and Stella Tennant at the Paris-Bombay fashion show.

-"Bombay, not Mumbai?"
-"Yes, because its a show for us, for people who lived too long."

Euromess: Götterdämmerung

FF flipflopp

So, our last Rick Perry clip wasn't our last Rick Perry clip after all.

Update: He's wearing the same jacket as Heath Ledger in Brokeback Moutain
Update: The Perry team pulled the original clip.

Update, update...here's more from Comedy Central:

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

Freedom Fries feuilleton (98)

Previously: George W. Bush worries about his legacy. Samuel Fisher, the media tycoon, worries about LYNX, his TV network. Pamela N. Timbers, dean of Berkeley law school and a former colleague of Barack Obama at Chicago law school, worries about John Yoo, the author of the torture memos. Also involved is George Lukacs, the famous hedge fund personality, another old friend of Pamela. There are rumors that Bush could be abducted to Spain to face trial for crimes against humanity. The heat is on (finally), as John Yoo is driving down a narrow shopping street.

Quite a few of the shoppers are wearing flu masks now, because of the virus warning on TV yesterday evening. His first reaction had been one of pity for the common man, but he is having second thoughts now, planning to tell his children to be careful when he gets home. Make a mental note. Whenever he drives past these tightly parked cars, he remembers his driving instructor, who had warned him of unruly children chasing each other through the gaps between the bumpers.

The abduction of Hans-Martin Schleyer by the Baader-Meinhof gang, 1977

A fuzzy movement from the left. He hits the brakes. A baby carriage right in front of his bumper. A man stumbling, lying on the pavement, the Lexus screeching to a halt. Why had this guy to stumble? Yoo gets out, now really concerned, both about the man and about his own self. “Are you okay,” he asks, twice.
“What happened?” the man stutters.
“Are you hurt,” he asks again, thinking that the guy ought to know what happened.
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” the man replies, still lying on the pavement.

***

Liz and Zack flip their gadgets, step off the curb, and sneak up to driverless Lexus from either side. Liz pops the left door, slips inside, shuts the door behind her, and disappears on the floor behind the front seats. Zack pops the right door, slips inside, shuts the door, crouches next to Liz. They are as invisible as two adults hiding in the rear of an A-minus sedan could possibly be.

***

The man is getting up. There is something funny about this guy. Is he wearing a wig? Yoo casts a glance at the baby in the carriage. Well, the baby is real.
“I’m okay,” the man says.
-“I’m so sorry,” Yoo asserts mechanically.
A horn blows from behind. Yoo turns around. It’s the brownish Ford that has been following him for unclear reasons all the way from the campus with a campy woman behind the wheel. Another horn blow. The woman waves her hand. The baby man grabs the handle of his carriage and disappears with the baby. A second horn chiming in from further behind. Little Italy.

Stay tuned for the next installment on Friday, or read the entire story published so far here.

Ron & Newt (the score, the score!)

50 ways to leave your lover --- and 5 ways to become crazy (Guest contribution from Shelby Crockett)

Often the leader in everything from pop culture to politics, Americans can seem pretty out there to the rest of the world. With everything from the latest American obsession to political scandal, there is a wide basis for the feeling. To best sum it up, we have gathered five ways that demonstrate America’s insanity.

1. Protests – Sure, America is the land of freedom, but doesn’t it seem that there is no issue Americans won’t take to the streets for? Given that Americans enjoy a higher standard of living than just about every other country, it does seem like all this protesting is just complaining gotten out of hand to those who live in countries with no steady power, justice, or food supply. Which brings us to:
2. Obesity – While many countries starve, America’s citizens - and even illegal aliens - suffer from having too much food. With an estimated one in three Americans coming in at the scientifically determined obese mark, it is no wonder the rest of the world thinks America has gone crazy. Obesity itself is defined if someone has a Body Mass Index of 30 or higher. For example, someone who is 5’9” should weigh ideally between 125 to 168 pounds. Those at 169 to 202 are considered overweight. Those at or over 203 are considered obese and every third person in America is.
3. Over- sexed – While much of the world holds modesty as a virtue, it seems fewer and fewer Americans are. There is no shortage of media that glorifies sex and even shows that highlight having a baby as a teenager. Sexually transmitted diseases are also numerous in the U.S. with 19 million new cases each year.
4. Government – While no government is perfect, America is never at a loss for a political scandal. Whether it is the incomprehensible $15 trillion debt, the questions raised for each candidate for office’s past, or even the latest hoax, Americans seem to tolerate a lot of insanity from their government.
5. The fact that they care – A trait seemingly limited to only Americans, no other country in the world seems to care as much as they do as to what the rest of the world thinks about them. Americans host the UN, politicians promise to restore America’s image across the world, and Americans have even been known to apologize for non-specific egresses. They don’t seem to realize if a country truly hates them, they are free to refuse the billions of dollars in aid America is regularly known to send out.

Shelby Crockett has been a Paralegal for 9 years and owns the site howtobecomeaparalegal. Her site helps students find the right paralegal school.

News from the Kingdom (Glenn)

Ronald and Nancy Reagan

Not Ronald and Nancy Reagan? How come? Well, evolution is just a theory, isn't it?

The face of unity

click for a more psychoanalytical image

A lesson in patience (Dirk)

-"This is not coming from the Kingdom. Why?"
-"Because the cows wear bells."

Barely airborne (2) (Glenn)

SENSE OF FLYING from Goovinn on Vimeo.

Ab(o)ut the Republican primaries (Glenn)

Barely airborne (Dirk)

The mystery of mathematics at Walmart (2) (Glenn)

It could be a case of idempotency.

Mumuration (Glenn)

Murmuration? Most amazing, etc. Starlings! Flight!

Murmuration from Sophie Windsor Clive on Vimeo.

Freedom Fries feuilleton (97)

Previously: George W. Bush worries about his legacy. Samuel Fisher, the media tycoon, worries about LYNX, his TV network. Pamela N. Timbers, dean of Berkeley law school and a former colleague of Barack Obama at Chicago law school, worries about John Yoo, the author of the torture memos. Also involved is George Lukacs, the famous hedge fund personality, another old friend of Pamela. There are rumors that Bush could be abducted to Spain to face trial for crimes against humanity. The heat is on (finally), as John Yoo is heading home.

Jim readjusts the clownish wig with his right hand and feels for the virus mask. It is still in place. He would blend in, the local TV station had scared enough people with its virus warning. He feels for his shades, which are too large, and extraneous under today’s overcast sky. He readjusts the wig. The wig coming off at the wrong moment, that was the last thing anybody wanted to happen. He tests the stroller again, pushing its handle up and down. The suspension still works, sure. Another uneasy glance at the baby doll. Doll isn’t the right word. This is the perfect replica of a life-size baby, hand-painted with the fine details of real life skin tones, blemishes, natural hair, even the scent is right. They had found this wonder of artificial life with four clicks on Ebay. Expensive, though, more than 2,000 bucks. They had been too busy to wonder why other people would pay a fortune for a perfect baby replica, but Selena Saxon, who had created this marvel with obvious professional pride, didn’t deign to answer the obvious question on her otherwise loquacious website.

He cast a glance down the alley. Liz was standing on the corner, wig, sunglasses, flu mask, radiating true grit somehow. Would they ever have children together? Would he ever propose to her? She would possibly laugh him off. Any moment now. Liz would make a sign. There wasn’t much telepathy between them, so he had insisted on a crisp signal. Liz would raise both hands in an unnatural gesture. They had rehearsed the signal.

***

Zack plays with his gadget. Somewhat over-designed for a one-off device, it bears little resemblance to a car key. He had tested it surreptitiously, no need to test it again on one of the innocent cars parked on either side of the street. It would open any car. He could be sure. Liz stands exactly opposite to him on the other side, erect, still, alert. She is overdoing it a bit, he feels, her posture belied by her improbable disguise, or vice versa. The beep turns in her right hand like a worry bead.

The beep stops turning. Liz raises both hands simultaneously above her head.

***

John Yoo

John Yoo takes the shortcut, as always, and turns left into Oxford. He doesn’t like this narrow one-way street, cut a few years ago across a previously abandoned car park terrain by Berkeley’s communist municipality to provide the place with a European-style high street — you had to park your car next to the curb and keep everybody behind you waiting. A narrow pavement is running along upscale shops for upscale pedestrians to bump into each other as appropriate.

Stay tuned for the next installment on Friday, or read the entire story published so far here.

Ejaculating at the speed of life

Italian for beginners

MILANO - La Fiat ("fix it again Tony") potrebbe lasciare (could drop) l'Italia. Lo ha affermato (asserted) l'amministratore delegato (CEO) Sergio Marchionne in un'intervento a a Radio 24 a margine di una conferenza organizzata a Washington dal Council for the United States and Italy. «Siamo una multinazionale e abbiamo attività in tutto il mondo: potremmo (we can) andare avanti anche senza (even without) l'Italia».

A meeting of minds

A scientist encounters a lemming:

“I don’t understand,” says the scientist, “why you lemmings all rush down to the sea and drown yourselves.”
“How curious,” says the lemming. “The one thing I don’t understand is why you human beings don’t.”

A better European Union

Merkozy

Triangulation (Glenn)