Previously, Alex ("Green Eyes") offered to give us a ride, we took him upstairs for the same, we did it, and somehow we fell asleep.
One two three, infinity (I’ll explain later). My ass.
Alex had already left his perch as a grand horizontal when I woke up. Better even, or worse, the sheer fact that I could fall asleep testifies to his untimely departure, since nobody, not even straight people, would be able to fall asleep with the Green Eyes on top of you. And I slept, because I had my usual morning glory, and I was alone, as outlined already, no external stimuli present, only my sleep, and sweet dreams perhaps that I don't remember. I'm too old for spontaneous erections, it's either sexual or it's sleep (not quite true, I remember now, I had one just yesterday, but still). Sometimes I have trouble falling asleep, and sometimes I don't know whether I did actually fall asleep before awaking in the middle of the night, but then I feel my boner, and know I slept, realizing that my sleeping is better than feared, and thus comforted fall asleep again (only to wake up at a later time with another boner (I think I should stop now)).
|(It is what you think it is)|
Alex was gone, at least he was not the cause of my erection, and my bed was otherwise empty. Where is Alex? Perhaps he's brewing coffee in the kitchen. I get up, and my pendulous organ—I had learned the term "pendulous organ" from Alex only hours earlier—my organ was still not very pendulous on the way to the kitchen, the place where Alex was not brewing coffee.
My world falls apart, and it's only the second, or third, time in 24 hours. Detumescence (another word I had learned from Alex) strikes, and through the haze of my upcoming tears I look around. There's a sheet of paper on the kitchen table, a location where experienced tricks in my days used —in the days I still brought tricks home—used to leave their goodbye messages when they had been brought up well-enough to signal goodbye before leaving—after getting up as quietly as possible, hoping to undisturb my sleep, getting dressed quietly, not using the bathroom in order to avoid noises, finding some reusable sheet of paper, and some pen, and then writing in very readable hands, usually, like, like drawing a Valentine heart, signed "M," or perhaps even signed "Michael," or, in extreme cases, writing a grammatically well-formed sentence along the lines of "Sorry that I have to leave early, Michael"—sometimes even the word love was used, carelessly, perhaps, but carefully written, since most tricks live near the literacy threshold, rarely write anything, whence their writing hand is unblemished by later excesses.
Where was I? Yes, In the place where experienced, well-brought-up tricks would leave their messages (mother: 'Michael, there is another thing that you should never forget, your exit should always be graceful, and should it happen that genetic destiny strikes and you end up as a loose homosexual, so loose that his nights are spent as one night stands in the company of other loose men, even then your exit should always be proper and good-byed'), in said place I found a re-used sheet of paper with the not-so-readable words "Dear John, I had to go, I love you, Alex," and a little Valentine heart drawn under the text (he could have encircle the text with the Valentine heart, it would have been prettier, but he didn't).
No home number, address, email, homepage link, twitter, tweet, Facebook, something. Alex was gone.
Now, the situation was not completely hopeless, at least in the technical sense that I knew where he worked, so I could try to retrieve him by calling the hospital and ask for Alex, the alpha-god paramedic, ('Alexander, you know, I don't know his last name, the paramedic with the green eyes') and it would be everybody's guess what the result would be, perhaps he was a medical secret, ('We cannot divulge the names or other coordinates of our staff, by law'), or not a medical secret ('You're not the first person who's asking for Alex in this way, you know'), or I could, in anticipation of such answers—you know I'm shy—avoid any contact by telephone and position myself around dawn (remember, he was always doing the night shift) position myself near the staff entrance of the hospital, waiting for Alex like fans wait at the bühnenausgang of Wagner's opera burgh in Bayreuth for a famous singer, and ask for an autograph when the alpha-god finally appears.
There are other possibilities as well, think hospital email etc, let’s do some hand-waving here (an expression I had yet to learn from Alex), you get the gist. Email, stop. Internet, Google. You know, I can't think in panic, so I typed "Alex" in Google's main search window of my computer, today enhanced for unclear reasons by a Sherlock Holmes motive. Only more than one billion answers. I still didn't think, clicked on the first link, which connected me to ALEX, the Alabama Learning Exchange, good, I thought, that's in the South. But not in Georgia, I realized, then my thinking stopped again since the terrible truth struck again, that I had lost the Green Eyes to a hopeless, lonesome future in confirmed bachelor county, GA, USA.
I would normally make coffee once detumescence (what a useful word) has commenced, but didn’t feel like it, instead, I got my thoughts together finally and started a more systematic search for "Alex," the "paramedic" of the "Memorial Baptist Hospital" in "Georgia Beach," in “Glynn county,” "Georgia," "US," which yielded nothing. A hospital is not a university, they won't list all their staff in unreadable, smallish fonts, even people who died 20 years ago of disappearance, like Alex had died of disappearance, this morning, between eight and ten o'clock.
I read the message again. "Dear John, I had to go, I love you, Alex." Nothing, nothing in this message would speak of the future. There were no undertones, no overtones, the message was as neutral as his green eyes were (used to be) when his own studied ambivalence was undecided about a course of action, in the meager space of a few hours I had seen this neutrality more than a few times already, if his eyes talked, something was at hand, and there was nothing of the surreptitious eye language that tends to accompany the meaning-challenged behavior of people who have nothing to say, eyes too open, eyes too small, eyes winking, squinting, and so on.
A message as neutral as his eyes. Why didn't he say nothing about a rendezvous tomorrow, or on Saturday, or the Blue Moon, or the beach. Why did he "have," to go, he was sleeping next to me, or on top of me, or whatever, his next shift starting what, possibly at 10 PM or later. Why did he have to "go?" Why did he "love you," why did he "I love you," if he loved me, he would not be gone but would embrace me tenderly while sticking his penis into my ass, a routine that we had practice already once, although, during our earlier crusin' encounter, he had refrained from the poignant anatomical commentary that accompanied his later work. "I love your work," he could have written, if I would only have shown him my blog, the blog I talked about earlier, about everything and nothing, even the gay condition, perhaps he would have liked it (although I have no followers), and decided that he cannot ditch a person that's not only 'OK, gym-wise,' as he had said during foreplay, but also OK blog-wise, and he would now put his penis into my ass, or at least leave his phone number, and everything would be all-right.
There is a movement now in trendy USA, of which even I am aware, gathering steam, to replace the words "blogger," "blogging," etc. by better, nicer words, and if such words are ever found, I would not only be a good blogger, I would also be a good nicer word, and Alex would be sure to stay, but he's already gone.
I stared at the Sherlock-Homes-themed Google search window, and realized that there was no deerstalker, it wasn't about Holmes at all, instead honoring Agatha Christie, perhaps her thousandth birthday, and I remembered her biography, how she had married this racing pilot, much handsomer than plain Agatha herself, and how the relationship had soured, and how she, famous already, had suddenly disappeared, gone, futsch, with search and rescue teams (S&R) in hot pursuit, until she had suddenly and without prior warning reappeared in some country inn, whatever these things are called properly in England (not "country inn," I guess, perhaps Golden Swan), and never returned to her handsomer husband, and later marry a handsomer archaeologist, 14 years her junior, and they would write books together in the sense that when she would write a book he would take time away from his other obligations and also write a book, in the room next to hers, this would be the future that Alex and I deserved, he an accomplished sexologist with a lucrative clinic next door, I'm an accomplished nicer word behind my laptop, and we would happily live ever after, and he would pay the bills.
Think Agatha Christie, I thought. Then I cried again.
here for the entire text published so far.